not will smith

Don’t Grow Old

So Kelly and I are heading to the Savannah airport in about 40 mins to start our journey back west.

The trip out here to visit my mother, grandmother and grandfather has been one of mixed emotions.

Generally when I travel I am constantly thinking about when I am going to be leaving to go home. Not this time, though. I actually was pretty relaxed being out here the entire trip which was surprising because really, the reason for coming was to see my grandfather one last time before he succumbs to cancer.

Had a great time with my gradmother. We went to Tybee Island and ate seafood. Talked for long hours and generally just offered our love and support. It touched me when she told me that for the first time in a long time she hadn’t cried.

Likewise, we had fun with my mom and step dad. Ate, drank and laughed - it wasn’t until the last night that we had any kind of political argument and by then, I had just blocked it out.

My disappointment from this trip comes from seeing my grandfather, but it was not the disappointment that I expected.

Grandpa looks very old, withered and exhausted. There is no twinkle in his eye. There is no emotion in his face.

He just “is.”

He still smokes like a chimney, which is terrible. Worse still, that he is in a “rehibilitation center” and they allow him to do that to himself. I think rehibilitation is just a word to make worried families feel better about dropping off their loved ones in a place where they are meant to die.

Death is final. Death is a certainty. When it is my time (if I know it is my time, that is) i will make sure i use it to the fullest. I will tell my loved ones that they are in fact, loved.

When grandpa was given that chance to convey those feelings he didn’t. Instead, he said: “Don’t Grow Old” and went back to sipping his coke and eating goldfish crackers.

There wasn’t hostility in these words, but there also wasn’t loving reassurance. Truth be told, I don’t know what sentiment he was conveying. Was it a warning? Was it reflection? I have no idea. I just know that it wasn’t what I was expecting, and for that, I guess i am sad and disappointed.

But I didn’t make this trip for me - i made it for him. If he can be at peace knowing that when given the chance to share a real emotion he declined, then I guess that is what i am left with. At least the last thing he heard from me was:

“Goodbye Grandpa — I love you”